Today’s a big one. (Trigger warning: depression, body image and paranoia)
It’s been a hot second, and I would normally say “sorry to be MIA” or “that was then and now I’m back” etc etc. I’m not saying those things because this was an important stepping away.
When Chris left for Texas for two months, I didn’t realize it right away, but I became depressed. I had been gaining weight since the winter, Chris was gone, I was continuously busy with a two-year-old, I had little alone time, along with a few very large personal struggles I can’t talk about yet.
When C first left I expected myself to cry for a few days and then feel fine. What happened was I cried a few minutes and then got to work being a mom. When Albert would sleep, I would watch Netflix, Hulu and HBO. I was tired at the end of the day, I had extreme paranoia someone would break into my house and I covered the silence with television until I couldn’t keep my eyes open another minute.
Of course there were times I realized this process wasn’t healthy. I would plan my week including yoga, baking and website posts, hyping myself up for the week. Days into the week I wouldn’t have accomplished anything and I would feel too daunted to start on even one goal.
I’m not sure what exactly changed things. I think I just had enough. I finally realized where I was and I knew I needed to get myself out of the hole depression had created so I could be the best me for myself, my son and everyone else around me.
I started extremely small.
One week I made it a goal to go on at least one walk a day and I would mark each day in my planner that I did it. I had been going on walks nearly every day but now it was intentional.
Another week I meal planned extremely healthy foods and grocery shopped accordingly.
Another week I set the goal to get my yoga mat out (and use it) at least one day, and I did it.
I’ve had various goals I’ve added to and kept going for the past month or so. It’s felt amazing to feel in control of my life again. I’ve felt this pain and now I’m making something fantastic out of it. I'm so glad I am going through this time. I feel stronger than ever before and I am more gentle than ever before.
I’ll be doing foodie things again soon, but for now, my goal for the rest of August is to post one photo I love a day on Instagram. @sariahseb
-SS